stop

its been one rough week. I can honestly say, to all my friends. they think im already fine. they push me forward to look for something new and something better and in front of them i can totally agree but when im by myself i can't help but want what i really want. i can deny it to myself but all i really want is him.

im sick of college and im sick of work and just i don't know, ive run out of energy to do anything. like at least before i was tired but i still did it because i felt that you were proud of me but now i just feel that every little thing that happens seems to be on me. it feels like a thousand tonne weight are on my shoulders.

the worst thing is, i can't sleep but im so tired and the only place i can sleep is near you. i need this sleep cause if i don't then really all im doing is thinking about the shit that's gone wrong in my life and to me i can name like a hundred thousand things.

i think ive said im great to like 50 people today. thats cause i work but still to friends and people i also say that im great. but im just greatly displeased with my life. and i feel like im slipping from everything that means anything to me. im slipping from youth group and melbourne friends and family and well obviously him.

im so exhausted still from the lack of sleep last night even though i slept like 4 hours but already i can't get back to sleep again.

i remember playing this song over and over again when i was in high school i don't know why i liked it so much but now i love it to bits and its what describes how i feel in this moment in time.

front office

good evening, reservations department, Leanne speaking, how may i help you?

cheeeeyahhh brother, im in front office class at the moment and its like hotel reception desk. woohoo
haha yeah so i have like exams everyweek till the end of the year. sigh had macdonalds for dinner ewww fatty but it taste good i love how soft the buns of fillet of fish burgers are. hehe
worked this morning as well so im kind of tired=( gonna have a good night sleep today watch  my shows one tree hill and gossip girl and chill. hmm and probably gotta start studying sometime soon got 4 assignments at the moment sigh all due next month

well ill leave yall with a photo of me and my babygirl brookeeeee

thats the way we doooo it doooo it

i am in class sitting next to motherfucking alex hisco that red headed rangaaaaaaa. <3

apprently i want him so bad. lol 

yes, yes i do. 

hmm this is the first time i am actually in my fucking management class before half time and im pretty darn bored and i have finished my OHS assignment sent it in and now i can bludge on my laptop until my battery runs out because i forgot to bring it. gots my V going and had oily maccas for breakfast and these are my friends. Kristy-lee (what a fucking awesome name), Matthew Charlie Brown, and Ricky Martini. gots to love them. hmm i think i failed a subject so im dropping it this year even though there like almost finished already. not that i went to classes anyways.

xoxo

brick wall

i hate talking a brick wall. like you just need this moment of closure and time that anything is just absorbing and taking in what really means something to you and people just push it back.

i hate people assuming im strong enough to handle anything and everything that comes my way. i know that my initial impression towards anyone is strong well at least i dont care what happens and stuff but to people that really know me, know that i am sensitive and i think way too much for my own good. and to have someone use that against me when they know that they can help me be the person that i can be and i mean a better person they choose to ignore that and they push me down. my parents do this a lot. they know that im stubborn but i can let go of something really easily if they just show some act of kindness, but they choose not to and a lot people do that to me.

i hate how people blindly encourage everyone, like they are so optimistic towards strangers, just a normal friend 'dont worry you can get through this cause i know you're a good person' and so on but then it comes to me they say the total opposite 'i dont believe you can'. thats is so hurtful because they say one thing at first and say that im such a good person and i work so hard then suddenly they think i can't work hard on something that i really believe i can do and that i can achieve and i feel i dont know, disappointed in myself because i lead them to believe i can't be a person. and i just feel like nothing.  useless and worthless.

i feel stupid because i try my best not to give up on people. if i did then i don't think id be friend a lot of people. like a great example joyce, i think she'd agree too cause we had so much drama is high school but we made it. i never shut her out when she needed me. and i think if i may say i did help her through some things. and i really wish that you could too. cause i know you be that person that i know you for. you never give up on your family. so how about me?

i had a long talk with friend today, and i realised a lot of things about myself and that i have noted to work on them because i can't be the way i am and think i can be happy. i know i can't be happy and i know im not. and if im not then how can i make someone else happy. its funny cause ages ago like ages ago i remember telling yall that i dont know what happy is. and i still dont.

sorrry i am so scared right now. i was writing this and its so sad and dark and i just watched the trailer of the scary i dont even want to write it the one with the hand held camera and the demon thing yeah the second version i just watched the trailer on tv accidentally and my hairs are sticking up on neck i have goosebumps everywhere im so scared the only things that are moving are my fingers cause im so scared to move.

i think im going to stop cause knowing me im going to freak myself out so much its just so scary.

but the last note i want to say. don't assume that you know me because i thought i knew you, but you changed and i can too.

someone stop me

sooo today was an okay day went to cabramatta with my mother and yeah bought new bedsheets and had lunch. and at 4pm i have to meet my friend dennis. which im so awkward about i really don't really feel like it cause yeah you know when you get a feeling that they want to hang out more than friends that just sooo iffy but since he was nice when i was crying and shit i think i should just do it out of respect. hmm and yeahhh i dont know and the thing is i want someone to just tell me not to go i want someone to tell me its not right and you shouldnt you should hang out with me instead but instead they just say go have fun which is i dont know gay.

i had this retarded dream last night and its amazing that i remember it. its like my i got a video call from my brother and im at home and all the youth kids are a my place too and so i get this call and i see my brother like video wise but its like an accidental call so im calling out his name so he hears me and all of a sudden he gets into a car crash and i see the distress in his eyes and voice and hes screaming and im just screaming and crying as well cause i cant help him and i stop breathing i cant breathe and im trying to find someone to come help me to go look for him and im running around the house trying to tell someone and i run to the back of the house into the backyard and hes there, my brother is there just sitting down with my youth mate shaun just talking and im so confused at this point its just im balling my eyes out and noone really cares that i am noone realises that something is wrong. it was really weird and uncomfortable. sighhhh

so question. ryan, how the fuck did you know i had a blog again i find that amazing it like i saw two comments and wondering its both from jasmine and its you. hahah yeah i will go back to school on monday. im kind of over it i want to drop out...AGAIN.  which would make the total of fails in Leanne's life 10000000000000000000. i dont even know if thats a number it probably is. cause maths these days is just out of world. literally.

hmms so recently ive been thinking a lot about working and what i want to do so i guess ill tell yall about this another time. save the stories cause i won't have much left to talk about now that im here, by myself.

i hope yall have a great weekend =)

by the way, i really want to thank my friends. jasmine for so much that i cant even explain, lisa for being there for me even though i haven't talked seen or hung out with you in like a million years and ronald, because you are the best geeky friend that a girl could ever have. if i had a wedding and i could choose a bestman it would definitely be you. hehehe annnd last but not least ryyy cause its amazing how you found this blog. lol unless jasmine let you in on it.

Kings of Leon- 'Cold Desert' 

this restart

so ive been absolutely MIA for a while now.

i don't know what to say at the moment cause i don't know how i feel exactly. so let me just tell you facts right now.

fact is, i dont have him anymore. he left me. and this time for real
fact is, i could get in a lot of trouble by police if i step over some boundaries
fact is, i haven't been to school in a week
fact is, i am so blank about what life has to offer me now
fact is, i realised i am so bad at being a person
fact is, i need help
fact is, i want help from him
fact is, i can't imagine life without him
fact is, i didn't know myself that i could become such a person because of him
fact is, i don't think i can get over him
fact is, i am less of a person without him
fact is, i know my friends thinks its the right choice but i still feel its the wrong

i dont know why i decided to write blogs again i guess i missed i missed having something that is mine that i control and that listens.

im sorry that its so morbid and sad the first time around and im sure it will be this way for along time. but still i write blankly, i dont think, i just type. and its like waves and crashes of words and emotions and i just let it be. cause all i can do now is let it be.

City and Colour - 'So Low'