brick wall

i hate talking a brick wall. like you just need this moment of closure and time that anything is just absorbing and taking in what really means something to you and people just push it back.

i hate people assuming im strong enough to handle anything and everything that comes my way. i know that my initial impression towards anyone is strong well at least i dont care what happens and stuff but to people that really know me, know that i am sensitive and i think way too much for my own good. and to have someone use that against me when they know that they can help me be the person that i can be and i mean a better person they choose to ignore that and they push me down. my parents do this a lot. they know that im stubborn but i can let go of something really easily if they just show some act of kindness, but they choose not to and a lot people do that to me.

i hate how people blindly encourage everyone, like they are so optimistic towards strangers, just a normal friend 'dont worry you can get through this cause i know you're a good person' and so on but then it comes to me they say the total opposite 'i dont believe you can'. thats is so hurtful because they say one thing at first and say that im such a good person and i work so hard then suddenly they think i can't work hard on something that i really believe i can do and that i can achieve and i feel i dont know, disappointed in myself because i lead them to believe i can't be a person. and i just feel like nothing.  useless and worthless.

i feel stupid because i try my best not to give up on people. if i did then i don't think id be friend a lot of people. like a great example joyce, i think she'd agree too cause we had so much drama is high school but we made it. i never shut her out when she needed me. and i think if i may say i did help her through some things. and i really wish that you could too. cause i know you be that person that i know you for. you never give up on your family. so how about me?

i had a long talk with friend today, and i realised a lot of things about myself and that i have noted to work on them because i can't be the way i am and think i can be happy. i know i can't be happy and i know im not. and if im not then how can i make someone else happy. its funny cause ages ago like ages ago i remember telling yall that i dont know what happy is. and i still dont.

sorrry i am so scared right now. i was writing this and its so sad and dark and i just watched the trailer of the scary i dont even want to write it the one with the hand held camera and the demon thing yeah the second version i just watched the trailer on tv accidentally and my hairs are sticking up on neck i have goosebumps everywhere im so scared the only things that are moving are my fingers cause im so scared to move.

i think im going to stop cause knowing me im going to freak myself out so much its just so scary.

but the last note i want to say. don't assume that you know me because i thought i knew you, but you changed and i can too.